Thursday, March 24, 2011

An obsession with weight

Last evening whilst walking downtown, I heard a thick English-accented voice say - 'She is pretty, yeah?' I caught another jolly voice reply - 'Yep, most Indian gals are.'...I don't know if it was me, or some other Indian gal they were talking out. I pretended to myself that they were talking about me, n instantly I felt lighter.
Till then I was sort of in a bad mood. Not a real real bad mood, but you know, the one where grumpiness clouds over all your replies, responses and actions. Why?

Because before getting out, I had discovered that my jeans was a little too tight at the hips. My BF hinted that it could be because I had put on weight. Like a deflated balloon, I shrunk, fizzled out. The excitement at having finally got my eye-shadow blends right instantly evaporated. Immediately I pirouetted in front of the mirror looking this way n that. Yes I did look FATTER, n BIGGER, n OBESE. Though I weigh only about 57 kgs, I felt like one of those Sumo wrestlers, all jiggling flesh n quivering cheeks. My feet dragged as we came out into the sunshine.

All of the time on the Tubes was spent in brooding over what to do to lose weight. Till about a year ago I weighed about 47 kgs. On my 5'4" frame, I used to look anorexic. I used to shop in the mid-teen section. I did know that the ramshackle place I was staying in with its lousy cook had a big hand in helping me keep my zero figure. But then, I moved into a more comfortable place, which had more access to all the shops selling junk food. Tacobell, KFC, Polynation were all right at the street corner. I did put on weight, but not so much that I would be called fat. I was just curvier. Everyone at home was delighted to see me look more human than waif in 28 years. I felt n looked prettier, my hair shined like never before, my skin glowed. I still did get sporadic jabs of self-guilt when my skateboard flat waist grew curves.

Yet today, I that jab felt like a knife twisting into my heart. I was fat. 57 kgs was fat enough. I had to run to the nearest gym. I had to get back into those Levi's 25 sized jeans. I had to get back to 31-24-33......I did not want to be 33-26-37....I wanted to get back into shape.

And then I saw this couple in the train. An African couple. The man was wiry, but the woman was generously spilling out from her seams. Yet she preened for him. She whispered sweet nothings into his ears. She walked and moved with grace. She held her head up high like she was the queen of the ramps. She couldnt get out through the doors, but he gave her his arm to lean on. He adored her, he kissed her often. Was he blind? Could he not see that she was bigger than a truck? Could it be that this woman had blackmailed him into loving her? No, I shook my head at these thoughts, n decided to ignore them.

Outside I stifled my desire to eat Waffles, Belgian cakes, n McD chicken nuggets. Too many calories. That is when I heard the comment. I tried to see if there was any other Indian woman there. But could not scan the crowd properly as it was the Office closing time n there was a huge rush of people, making it difficult to even walk at a consistent speed. Now, perked up, I finally brought my eyes up from my feet to look at no, not Indian women, but Fat women.

Wasn't I surprised? There were many women who looked like I did a year ago - thin, reed-like, ethereal looking. But there were more women who were FATTER than me. Why, there were so many whose seams looked like they would split any moment. And yet these women carried themselves with so much beauty. They dressed in lovely clothes, clipped pretty little accessories onto their hair, wore delicate or chunky jewelery, displayed sexy stilettos. N compared to all these woman, I was beautiful too.....!!!
I was sexier, I was prettier, I was lovelier. Why had I frowned for the whole hour it took us to reach here? Why had my self-confidence dipped low on seeing all the airbrushed models on those hoardings? The glorious zero-cellulite bodies they advertised weren't real!!!! How could I even say I was fat when there were all these women walking on all around me?

I dashed into the nearest KFC outlet n ordered the biggest meal combo they had........Om Nom Nom Nom Nom......Ahh, Bliss :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

an eye opener... even last day i told the same to my girlfriend...